fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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