pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
