i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
