why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
