I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
