What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
