she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
