It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
