Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
