So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
