every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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