I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Randomize
