Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
