Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
