I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
