Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
