Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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