Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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