Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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