oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
