Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
