Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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