I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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