i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
