The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have fence marks all over my body
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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