I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
