You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
