The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Randomize
