i think i have two assholes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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