he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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