Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
