I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
