Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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