I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
