My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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