things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
