Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
