4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
