I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
