you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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