That's when you crack a 10am beer
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
