I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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