Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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