I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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