If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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