I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
