Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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