omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
