After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
