i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
