so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Blood and glitter go together right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
